OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
You Might Also Like
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.