My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip