Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE