RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
You Might Also Like
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
sensitive skin
If you love someone, let them tweet.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?