Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
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I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*