Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.