If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
scenes of unspeakable carnage
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!