I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.