Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake