Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“You’d better run, egg!”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently