The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken