We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If you know, you know
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough