[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay