*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.