Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
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9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
every single time
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
That lamp looks PISSED.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.