The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
In case you needed to hear it:
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes