I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.