thank god the sign was there
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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
step 6: release the wall snake
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.