Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.