*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
bears
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
How your email finds me
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I hope Alan is OK
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames