[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
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You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔