We’ve all been there
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I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.