Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Dead sexy!!
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do