winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.