When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch