He just like my cat fr
You Might Also Like
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists