ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You Might Also Like
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.