Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Squirrels before girls.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The sacred texts.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.