we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.