i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
😅😅😅
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*