*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
It’s an epidemic…
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Saturday
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse