Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Care for your back
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.