superterriblemorningexpialidocious
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I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
never deleting this app.