If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf