Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops