My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*