Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.