Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me sliding into hell like
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.