Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
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Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I want what they have
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it