I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
That time Alicia messaged me
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good