When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.