I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
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“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man