I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what