If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?