I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
moms in horror movies
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret