Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up