boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes