[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
My boss called in sick of me
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Nice try Hitler
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
set yourself free xox
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie