Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
not to brag, but mine was free
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend