Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings